I want to starve myself.
I want to cut away all the fat with a knife.
I know no one else sees what I see.
I want to throw up my insecurities.
I want to rid myself of their toxicities.
I want to walk through a room and not feel anything but sexy.
I feel the need to slut myself up to be desired with this weight.
Does this mean I truly am fat?
I feel the need to be a slut in order to get attention, just like fat girls do.
I hide the lower half of my face in t shirts and hoodies so no one can see my double chin.
I want to hide the upper half of my face so now ones sees how the fat of my cheeks closes my eyes when I smile.
I just want to hide my entire being.
I want to be swallowed in blackness.
...I want to be skinny.
...I want to be your idea of perfection.
...I want to not be this pathetic, emo, son of a bitch writing about hating myself when there are much more productive things to be doing.
Man I really fucking suck sometimes.
Alex,
ReplyDeleteYou're beautiful. You really are. I noticed it especially at Barrett's going away party. There's something almost... exotic about you. PLEASE don't undercut the beauty God made you to radiate by pulling yourself apart, piece by piece, because you relentlessly compare yourself to others. There are women bigger than me, and women smaller. There are women taller than me, and women shorter. There are women with longer skinnier legs than me, and women with shorter and broader. There are women with more feminine features than me, and women with less feminine features than me. There are woman with more beautiful skin, and women with less beautiful skin. There are women with natural tans, and women with fair skin. There are women with naturally beautifully curly hair and women with naturally straight hair. There are women who curl or straighten their hair and it looks just as care-free as anybody's. There are women that look drop dead gorgeous with no make up, and those that know just how to use make up to their advantage to make them look stunning. There are women that are a size 0 and women that are a size 24... ALL are beautiful. The numbers don't matter. All that matters is health. All that matters is believing that you are beautiful. That you inhabit your own unique beauty... that you captivate people.
I grew up wanting anyone who ever looked my way to think I was the sexiest little thing walking around... nowadays... I want no one to have those eyes for me but my husband and it literally makes me sick to my stomach to fathom someone having the thoughts for me that I want only my husband to have.
It's about classiness. Natural beauty. Beauty in your personality, humor, and happiness for life. Those are the things people cherish, respect, and grow to love. Only you can radiate your type of beauty. Please don't sell yourself short for anyone else's kind of beauty.
Once you learn to love yourself the way you are, you will be beautiful. But not until that day. It won't matter what you weigh.
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